tales from 4 corners

Sex/ Love addiction

This last couple of weeks I have been serious about seeking out help for my destructive relationship patterns. I went to an SLAA meeting to explain my case; I have had it I am no longer ashamed. So I tell this guy my problems and how it was escaladed, how I put myself in bad position because I want sex, how I did the porn. Telling him it all he says to me that he is very impressed with my awareness, for when people come into these meeting they have no clue most of the time. Same thing happen when I went to talk about my mental problems with a guy at the mental health, he said he was very surprised of my awareness. I believe that God has more than blessed me with this awareness, so that I may take action and seek healing. My awareness is I jump into relationships with a love addiction seeking attention, fantasying about how perfect everything will be, then most of the time we end up having sex which ruin the relationships. After we have sex that’s all I seem to want, I don’t want to or I seem to not be able to get to know them as a person because sex is on my mind. If ever the chance that we are getting ready to hang out that’s all I think about, when are we going to have sex, like I wait until the right moment to make my move. After we do start having sex, I want more and more, or I need to take it to another level, I escape in sex, I feel powerful while in sex. Today I was told that it’s normal for you to have this you are a man, well it’s not normal because I have cheated on every girl I have been with, I look at porn, and keep these cycles going by repeating the same patterns. I told my dad what is going on and he says its pretty heavy shit, I like to hear that, because I like drama it excites me. When I think my life it brings a smile to my face to see that I have endured all these patters, cycles, addiction, and that I have to overcome. I stand at a cross road, last Sunday at church the message was for me again. It says in 2 Corinthians 13 that Jesus glory is found in our weakness, for when we are weak we are strong. That Paul was giving another thorn in the flesh to is attack by the devil giving from God, so that he may not boast in revelation he knows. That he is to sit in his torment, long enough to feel the shame that engulfs his body. This is like me, after I have been off the dope I released that shame I get from messing up my relationship with good girls, from looking at porn, form doing porn, and now in my weakness only God can save me. I can be like most and stay in denial and refuse the transformation that is awaiting me, the transformation the only Jesus Christ can do. When that happens I have to walk in faith that God has a bigger plan for I shall not be ashamed for my trails, for what I crawled through. I will stand with my head high knowing that I have fought the great fight. That what I have fought through millions of other go through the same cycle but I know that many a huge majority of them will not seek help. God what is it that you have for me?

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